HOW TO BE HUMAN

Let’s play a game. I’m hosting a small party at my house in two weeks. I’m inviting you (and your plus one, of course) along with probably ten other people. I’ve messaged you all the details: address, time, location, etc.

Now, what do you do from there?

Do you message a response? If so, within how many days? Do you ask what you should bring? Do you follow up to see what kind of party to expect? Do you arrive early or late to the party?

OK, we’ll come back to the party in a minute. Let’s move on to something else.

You arrive at a meeting. Maybe it’s a work deal. Maybe it’s a board meeting. Maybe it’s for a volunteer project. When you get there, four other attendees will be there. Each is looking at their phones.

Do you greet the group? Do you simply find a seat, bring out your phone, and wait? Do you introduce yourself? Do you attempt any conversation?

Let’s try one more.

You are at the grocery store. It’s pretty busy. Your cart is mostly full. The person behind you is holding two items.

Do you offer to let the person behind you go ahead? Do you make conversation with others in line? Do you greet the checkout cashier when it’s your turn?

I’m asking all this because this was an actual conversation I had with my wife, Ann-Janette. We found ourselves in several situations like these and realized that many people “in modern society” have forgotten the basics of how to be human. In truth, we've forgotten to consider others.

Maybe it’s the pace of life. Maybe it’s the distraction and/or addiction to technology. Maybe it’s the fear of awkwardness. But regardless of the cause, we are no longer functioning as normal humans anymore.

For generations, we were taught that you never go to someone’s house or party empty-handed. It was considered a “common courtesy.” My friend Peggy O’Connor still laughs at me today because over twenty years ago, she invited us to a fabulous party at her house. We had just moved into our first home. On the evening of the party, Ann-Janette was out of town, and I was up to my eyeballs in home renovations. Still, I showered, got dressed, and went to the party. On the way out the door, I suddenly panicked - what can I bring to the party? Our new cabinets were mostly empty. I opened everyone. Ritz Crackers. I opened the fridge. Cheese. I grabbed both and hopped into a borrowed truck with extremely lazy brakes, then drove across town to the party.

Fortunately for me, Peggy answered the door. She found me standing there with an open box of crackers and a piece of cheese, and she burst out laughing…to my face. “Oh, honey…this is a catered affair…I don’t think we’ll need your crackers.” But I got an “A” for effort, and she’s loved me ever since.

I’m still caught off guard now when we host something, and people don’t reply to the invitation at all, or worse, show up fifteen minutes early, or immediately corner you in a conversation with no awareness that you’re just trying to get the cheese and crackers out onto the table.

Human-ing is about being aware of what the other person needs in that moment. What does the host need? Well, to know if you’re coming, for starters. To arrive at a time that won’t freak them out or add to their stress. And to see if they need any help. Maybe they just need you to make conversation with someone and take them off their hands for a minute so they can focus on getting the party on the table.

What does it look like to be a human at that meeting?

To start, how about making eye contact and simply greeting people? How about being the one who makes others feel more comfortable? How about helping everyone out by asking each person’s name, how they know each other, or how they got involved in a nonprofit for cat manicures? Has this always been your passion? This is the moment to help people look up from their devices, which they are only staring at because they feel awkward and don’t know what else to do with themselves.

Being human is considering others and finding ways to make them feel more comfortable.

Being human means being aware of others, even in a grocery store. “Please, go ahead of me. You only have two items.” “Hey, Mr. Checkout-person. How’s your day been?” “Hi, Barista. I like your hair…colors. What an imaginative place… to pierce.” It’s not that hard to connect with people on something, on anything.

Being human is not ignoring people’s messages just because you don’t have the answer yet. Saying "I’m not sure yet" is a perfectly acceptable response that beats radio silence every time. Making someone feel awkward by forcing them to reach out again because they never heard back from you about meeting up for coffee—which was your idea in the first place—is not how you show genuine humanity.

We are busy.

We are distracted.

We fear being awkward, offending someone accidentally, or getting caught in a conversation with a “long-talker” (my personal nightmare).

Be brave, little fish. Take the risk. The more we become aware of others, putting ourselves in their shoes, the less time we have to fear all the rest. And the more comfortable we make others. And who knows all the untold good that can come from that?

I struggle with all these things much more than I’d like to admit. But over the last couple of years, I have made a deliberate effort (as a recovering undercommunicator) to be brave and aware of others. I believe that’s what it means when someone says they feel “seen.” We are conscious of them and behave in a way that is gracious and hospitable and even respectful. Maybe that’s just class.

At any rate, I know I can be better. Humaning is hard, but it’s better when we do it together.

So, until we see each other again, there is so much good that can be done - let’s go and do it.

Cheers, my friends.