WHILE WE'RE HERE

Hi, friends.

Occasionally, when I sit down to write these columns with you, I find I have a lot on my mind. You’re always so generous to give me a minute. Even though it’s been a month since we last talked, you’re the kind of close friend who needs no warm-up period. We just jump into the conversation feet first.

This column could be titled “While We Are Here… as in, ‘While we are here…let me just say we see what’s going on.” Often, you don’t recognize the significance of events until they’ve passed. Then there’s a retrospective at the end of the year, and you watch from your couch on New Year’s Eve with an open can of bean dip and grocery-store champagne, trying to make it past 10 o’clock this year, and you say, “Oh yeah, I completely forgot about that. That’s so weird.”

Like this one:

While we’re here… can everyone just admit that, regardless of your political party, renaming everything is ridiculous? Doesn’t it sort of feel like a bad playground scene where one bully resorts to calling everyone by made-up nicknames? “OK, Mister McShorty-Pants-Jerk-Face.” How soon until the rest of the countries in our hemisphere get tired of the labels North and South America and adopt “Mexanada” as their new continent name? They can outvote us two to one, and they’ve got us surrounded. And apparently, all it takes is a Sharpie and a decision that it’s so… and it is so. Sort of like when a President thinks documents are unclassified in their mind… and so they become unclassified.

Did you know that last month, the US was the sole vote (164 to 1) against recognizing updated maps that showed the actual proportional sizes of continents? The outdated map showed Greenland as roughly the same size as Africa (a continent nearly 14 times bigger). We were also reportedly concerned that the US didn’t seem as prominent as it should be. Don’t we have anything better to do than argue about the size of our landmasses or our nicknames for them?

While we’re here… are we on the brink of a caffeine bubble bust? How many coffee shops can we support in the Ville? It’s a lot of pressure. At last count, we’re up to 1 drive-thru coffee shop for every 10 people. That seems like a lot. And it’s not just our favorite local coffee shops, either. Forget data centers and Flock Cameras; it’s Big Coffee we should be watching, because they’re certainly watching us. I actually don’t know that to be true, but I’m on my third NitroColdBrew this morning, and I think it’s making me paranoid. I’ve started hitting different coffee places throughout the day to throw them off. Now I have to brush my teeth and change clothes throughout the day to get rid of the smell. I’ve even tried sipping outside my open car window, but I think the smell is still getting on me. I’m not addicted; you are.

Then there are all the energy drinks, which are kind of the vaping of the caffeine world. Walk into any gas station, and energy drinks take up half the refrigerator section, with fruity additives and Kool-Aid flavors. What are we doing with all this processed energy? Are you staying up to write the next Great “Mexanada" novel? Are you hiking up Circle Mountain and planting your flag? Are you busy canvassing the city with AppleBees flyers? How are we suddenly so tired? Our mattresses need a down payment now. We have cooling pillows with NASA technology. Our watches watch us sleep and tell us how to do it better. (Which is creepy.) We should be the most rested people in history.

I think I know where our energy is going. Next conspiracy, please.

While we’re here… can we just talk about packaging?  Friends, I don’t want to brag, but I work out several times a week doing the Crossfits. You’ve probably heard of it. Beyond that, I have an active lifestyle. I routinely work my core, my posterior chain, my mental stamina, even my grip strength.

So, can someone please tell me why I can’t open a jar of pickles?

Who are we protecting the pickles from? The Hulk?

And it’s not just jars. Every package is sealed like it’s part of a David Blaine magic trick. An Aldi grocery bag isn’t strong enough to make it 10 feet to the front porch without splitting its pants, but the frozen strawberries inside are in an impenetrable bag the “Power Team" couldn’t rip open. (If you got the "Power Team” reference, God bless you.)

Who is after our food? Is this about the Zombie Apocalypse? I don’t think they’re looking for my New Potatoes as a side dish.

It really gets to your mind. I feel like a failure as a man when I can’t get into my Coco Krispies, which are hermetically sealed for some reason. They have a 15-year shelf life! They’ll be OK if I open them. Release the Krispies!!

While we’re here, can we talk about the Efficiency Conspiracy? Friends, we're being automated right out of our own lives. When was the last time you embarrassed yourself going into a store by pushing on a “pull” door? You can’t do it because nearly all doors open themselves now. My car, Sally, is so eager to please me that if I just get within 10 feet, she starts beeping (the car-equivalent of a dog wagging its tail). It’s her way of asking, “Do you want me to open the trunk. I can. I can do it all by myself. You just stand there and watch. See? I’m opening the trunk, all by myself right now.” Then the automated door opens so I don’t have to touch it. Then, sensing I’ve moved on, it closes by itself.

At the Lowe’s Depot, efficiency has led to self-checkout stands. At first, I loved this. It made me feel useful. I also believed I could add checkout clerk to my resume since I had, in fact, done the work. I just didn’t have a W-2 or reference letter to prove it. But the reality is - I miss the humans! I have to go to Lawn & Garden or Lumber now to see Randell or Gary or Laura or smiley-mustache guy. (I don’t actually call him that to his face.) Efficiency is the new priority, but what is it buying us? What are we using all the time we saved for? Not sleeping, apparently.

Look, I know all these “observations” make me seem old. I just want someone to know that while we are here, I see what’s going on. And I'm mad about it, just not mad enough to do anything about it. That’s all.

Maybe future generations will do something about it. Because while we face many challenges, “Mexanada” is still a nation where you can be anything you put your mind to…if it’s efficient.

OK friends. I’ll see you next month. And while we’re here… there’s so much good that can be done out there. Let’s go do it.