OK. Now What?

Recently, I heard comedian Pete Holmes talk about a mantra he’s adopted: Yes. Thank you. Here’s how he uses it: Say your flight is suddenly delayed -Yes. Thank you. You get a flat tire - Yes. Thank you. Gas prices suddenly spike - Yes. Thank you.

The idea is to quickly accept the unchangeable.

Anxiety often arises when we try to control what is out of our control. What if it rains? What if the “thems” win the election? What if the package doesn’t arrive on time? So, when difficult or bad things happen, Holmes utters Yes. Thank you. as a way of accepting what cannot be changed and maintaining some inner peace. The trick is to say it immediately and as if you're almost grateful for the inconvenience. He believes the absurdity of it is so jarring that our nervous system becomes confused into harmony.

I know myself. I’m not that good.

I wish I were. I wish I were Zen-y enough to embrace all of life’s hardships like a double dip Sunday of bliss and rainbows, and not a cow patty on a stick. But I have a highly developed sense of homeostasis, to the level of a comfort ninja master. I can sense discomfort hours, even days away.

I think the best I can do is OK. Now what? 

It’s most effective if you recite it: OK. (Period. Full stop. Let it sink in. And then…) Now what?

We are involved in a War/Not-a-war. That’s not what I want, but it is our reality. OK. Now what? The “now what?” part of that mantra is this: I can’t change the unchangeable, but what can I do to make things better? Well, as far as my sphere of influence will reach (which isn’t far), I can choose to be actively kind, loving, generous, and aware.  In short, I can do all the good that is available to me to do.

My flight is delayed. OK. Now what? I can breathe deeply, which seems easy, but trust me, it isn’t always. I can be grateful—also a choice—that I will eventually get to where I’m going, that I get to wait in the relative comfort of this climate-controlled airport. I can also promote calm and kindness to my fellow travelers, who may be feeling anxious. Each of these is an active decision: acceptance, seeing the bigger picture, not making a fool of myself at the first sign of inconvenience, and choosing to actively look for good, all of which can distract me from my own discomfort, are all deliberate choices.

My taxes are due. OK. Now what? I can accept what is unchangeable. I can do it without complaint or heavy sighing. I can be proactive and schedule a time to simply get them done, so it doesn’t continue to spin and grow and take up room in my thought life.

My car battery is dead. OK. Now what? I can choose to stay calm. I can remind myself that this isn’t personal. Car batteries fail all the time; they don’t last forever. This is just an inconvenience, not an attack. With that calmness, I can see the best way to move forward more clearly. I can think about who I need to call and what I might need to reschedule. And I can ask for help.

A family member is arrested. OK. Now what? First, I can choose to avoid post-shaming. Post-shaming is when we respond to a mistake with a load of shame that we believe is so logically sound and morally right that it can somehow turn back time and stop this poor individual from doing whatever stupid thing they just committed. It doesn’t work. But maybe if we pause and get still for a moment, we'll see or hear what might actually help this person find a way back to a better life and avoid pushing them further into a corner.

Someone we love gets a bad diagnosis. OK. Now what? Well, what do they need? Food. Space. A friend to talk honestly with and consider all the options? Maybe someone to talk about anything but being sick.

There is another thought that I think is related to this.

My wife and I have run our own production company for thirty years. (Thank you. It is remarkable.) In those three decades, besides our main work to pay bills, we’ve created music videos, plays, community events, concerts, independent films, albums, books, and short films, as well as our current podcast, Hope for Humans. We’ve loved each of these projects. We approached each one thoughtfully and with awareness of the costs involved before moving ahead. All have gained some success and connection, but as artists, we always wish for more. We want our reach to extend further. If we’re not careful, we can become anxious and start chasing an audience, success, or returns that are ultimately beyond our control.

“Chasing” has plagued me throughout most of my professional life. Running after an endgame that is often elusive or even unattainable. The challenge has been understanding how to differentiate passion from chasing. Passion has also played a major role in our story—passion to grow and improve our community, passion to push ourselves to enhance our projects, and passion to tell moving stories that matter. However, there is a point where passion overheats and spoils into chasing. Passion will energize and motivate you. Chasing will wear you down and pull you along. One ignites you; the other anxiets you.

So, in the OK. Now What? decision, I can feel anxious that my sphere of influence isn’t larger. That I can’t help more people or bring relief to a greater number—that my reach isn’t wider. Or, I can recognize the reach I do have and make the most of those opportunities. One only frets, the other actually makes a difference.

OK, now what? will allow me to meet people in a business setting and let a sincere, natural connection be enough. Chasing will create pressure during the meeting, making it seem like they are solely responsible for the success of our effort, which will cause me to pursue them desperately. That approach will quickly ruin our relationship.

OK, now what? will allow me to enjoy the food or drink in front of me. Chasing will say, if this plate or pint is good, how much better would three be?

OK, now what? will say, this Hope for Humans podcast is something you really enjoy doing. You love the process. You love the conversations. You love your co-host (who happens to be your beautiful wife). And you have an attentive, responsive audience that has become a sort of community, inviting you into their homes, cars, or headphones with them. Embrace that. Chasing says, yes, this is good - but wouldn’t it be better with a thousand more listeners? Now your enjoyment depends on reach. What you were enjoying, you can’t enjoy anymore because your matrix has changed.

Maybe what’s powerful about OK, now what? Is that it stops us from wasting our energy on actions that are futile at best, actually negative at worst, and allows us to redirect our energy into things that are genuinely helpful (even if those things are simply gratitude and holding still so we don’t do anything stupid).

Anyway, that’s my mantra, and I’m holding to it. What’s yours? What do you repeat to keep yourself sane? Tell me when we see each other on the street.

Until then, my friends, there is so much good to be done out there. Let’s go do it.